FirstLife Post~ I know I haven’t been on this site in weeks but I’ve been around, I’m just trying my best to soak in the new normal. It’s been difficult at times and my usual places of refuge have been neglected because I’ve had so many new responsibilities dropped into my lap in ways I guess I expected but also totally did not. It’s a curve, ya know? I remember a specific day back in the spring, just before the COVID lockdowns came, I stood on the boardwalk behind the Hilton and looked out into the bay and all I could think was “you need to remember this.” I remember there was a weird hot and cold numb sensation running all through my body, a stillness and a sense of foreboding. At the time I felt like I was just being a weirdo – we’d been watching the news online, way before the mainstream picked up on it, and we were seeing what was happening oversees and thinking – is that coming here? Two weeks from that day we got notice that our province was going into a full lockdown state of emergency and I’m sure your community, almost wherever you are, had a similar experience. So for obvious reasons it knocked me off balance, just kicked the wind right out of me. I just lost all motivation for anything other than stocking up, feeding my kin, keeping my head up no.matter.what … because that’s what you do, right? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
I thought I’d have more time, not less. I was wrong – mostly because I can’t just be still. It’s taken me from March 12 until now to be able to just sit and have a tea and plan normal isht for the next day.. My brain feels like it’s constantly on guard waiting for the next thing to pop off and so I can’t get enough downtime inside my own head to work on my arts or my games, or really much of anything that isn’t either hyper-focused practical and useful or complete melted oblivious nothingness – just staring into a screen or worse still into my own thoughts and wondering – what next? What could possibly be next? Having severe anxiety issues and ADD are no fun, lemme tell you! Logic tells me most of the time that I’m overreacting in the immediate now and I should just chill a bit, clear the head cache, and … you guessed it – just keep swimming.
My province is recovering, we’ve only a few active cases of CV left and throughout the whole thing so far we’ve only lost two precious lives.. It’s horrible but it could be so much worse. We’re starting to reopen everything and we’ve expanded our “bubble” to all of the Atlantic provinces. In a week or so we’re expanding further still to include a few small close communities this side of Quebec.. I’ve heard rumours that by the end of August we should have the rest of Canada open to itself but I can’t help but be apprehensive. Even in the very few instances where masks are mandatory here – barely anyone is listening. People are back at the bars like it’s business as usual, and I’m ….. just not coping well.
I’m trying to get my isht together though – start gaming again, start blogging again, start writing again, start painting again (even if they’re totes ugly 😆 ) just something, anything, to regain my sense of normalcy because this is it – this is how it’s going to be now for a long, long time – this is the new normal.